Kelli Michele Fremming - may your soul rest in peace

A part of me loves to delve. Call it curiosity if you will. It is, if you like, an unquietness of intellect. I desire to know and to understand. I ask more questions than necessarily support my comfort, but then I learn from the answers. Carl Jung might comment that I poke around sufficiently that conscious and unconscious are nudged into dialogue. A frequency and richness of dreams confirms that much. How I wish that I had understood these things in 2004.

The past is there to be delved into. Call that pointless, like Gollum seeking the roots of the mountains. However he was a warped creature, eaten up by the ill magic of his ring. Unlike Gollum it is light that I seek. But sometimes the path towards the bright clarity of enlightenment takes one first through the gnarled trees and along the rocky paths of a shadowy valley.

Curiosity about the past leads me to wonder about the dead ends of life, the paths that I trod only to meet a blockage. My second wife was one such: but a well intentioned path at the time. For the first time in my life I loved truly and deeply. The mistake was that Kelli was not comfortable living away from her beloved California: given that she was a part-Native American I should not have been surprised. But I knew a lot less back then. Transylvania was just too strange for her, leading to a kicking against the traces. I loved her but could not find a way to get that depth of feeling across to her, at least not sufficiently. I could not find a way to enable her to settle down. We were married for eighteen turbulent months.

Perhaps it was fate that drew our paths together? I gained much from her, both directly (about horses and spirituality in particular) and indirectly through later reflection and learning. From me she gained the opportunity to become a farrier and perhaps life with me broadened her horizons too. Sincerely I hope that she learned that unconditional acceptance can be a reality. After the collapse of my first marriage, which was essentially a mistaken attempt by two incompatible people from sheltered backgrounds to survive together devoid of guidance or help, Kelli helped me to grow up. Some of that was a conscious gift (equestrian and wilderness skills especially) and other development simply happened because it had to. Her fads, tantrums and stubbornness made me grow. After Kelli ran back to California, it occurred to me that men can be the victims of abusive relationships too. At the low points that is precisely where she had dragged what was supposed to be a partnership based upon love and respect.

Now I have learned that Kelli passed away peacefully on 26 January, in Palm Desert CA, at the age of 40.

I am grateful for that one word "peacefully". Despite her abrupt departure from my life (indeed her flight from being loved and asked to settle down) I would not have wished her any ill.

Kelli rescued me from an absolutely awful first marriage. I did end that pretence of a relationship, which was more of a daily battle with a stubborn ignorant Balkan peasant, because a tall blonde exciting mysterious part-Native American horsewoman walked into my life. How deeply and sincerely I hoped for a life of love and joy.

Lasting love and joy have come. However later and with a suitable partner.

I'm still processing this information. To my sorrow Kelli and I did not part on good terms. She believed that I must be making a pile of money running a riding holiday centre but would not share it with her. But there was no wealth: there never is in that line of business. I was not cheating her: despite it all I loved her too deeply to deny her anything that was mine. Nevertheless she ran away bitter.

I wonder whether Kelli fled out of an impatience fostered by unconscious intuition as to her mortality. She had far more life to lead, Romania was dull, and I simply did not grasp what a turgid backwater I lived in. I can see now that my blindness as I lay in that rut must have been frustrating to a restless adventurer.

Briefly she carried our child. However the pregnancy was ectopic. Vividly I remember her agony and a desperate bloody midnight drive fifty miles along atrocious roads to a hospital to save her life. Strangely she seemed to blame me for that episode, which is incomprehensible to my male mind but perhaps not so much to a provocative Anima. The tragedy of sitting with her in a dismal provincial Romanian hospital in a room littered with the paraphernalia of childbirth having lost ours sticks in my mind, and probably always will. The one circumstance that might have made a happy willing parent of me was shattered.

We had made love in a roadside wood in spring, on the way back from an expedition to buy saddles in Medias, Transylvania. It was a beautiful valley where we stopped, rustic and lovely, and we needed a break from driving. Well, one thing led to another, as they do. We were youths for a day, carefree and uninhibited. Those moments seemed like a fairytale. The downward spiral of reality with my fish-out-of-water bride was yet to come.

I had hoped yet to make peace with her. Obviously not the sort of foolhardy attempt to rekindle any feelings, for I am very happily married and settled into a true lifelong relationship. Simply I would have valued the opportunity to offer forgiveness; and be forgiven for surely I was not blameless even if naivety was my sin. I wanted to forgive and freely offer my blessing: for my benefit, I admit, but also for hers out of what natural goodness I have.

Well perhaps Kelli was blessed for her remaining five years on Earth for she remarried and gave birth to a daughter. But how could anyone be blessed who died at 40? Only in that her end was peaceful, whatever it was. (Perhaps even if she had stuck with me I'd be a widower?) I hope that she did find peace with God before she passed away.

As I wrote, I am still working through this information.

My psychotherapist commented that a part of me still loves Kelli. What I feel is that the spiritual core of me appreciates the woman that Kelli had the potential to become, which was the wonderful part that I married in hope and - to be frank - blind optimism. I hope that she did become that woman before passing away.

In my heart I wish that I could have given my blessing, at least that she might have died knowing that I harbour no ill feeling. Not any more. I would give much to spoken with Kelli, or even communicated by email, a year ago if she was ready for that conversation.

Kelli Michele Fremming     15 February 1970 - 26 January 2011     Rest in Peace

Comments

[Horseideology]

Our lives are surely a journey of discovery, winding back upon themselves. There's a line from a song by Don Henley (The Heart of the Matter):

I got the call today I didn't wanna hear,
But I knew that it would come,
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone,
She said you found someone,
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through,
And how I lost me, and you lost you,
What are these voices outside love's open door,
Make us throw off our contentment,
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now,
But I miss you sometimes,
The more I know, the less I understand,
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again,

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak,
And my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore...

May her family find some comfort and peace in the days to come. And there is not enough compassion and forgiveness in the world.

[White Horse Pilgrim]

Becky, those are good words - thank you. In the end it is about forgiveness. Not about re-running scenarios in one's mind in order to try to find the flaw hence the circumstances and deed that might have yielded success. Most probably I was in a no-win situation. I had better see the reality of tragedy pure and simple. The past cannot be replayed hoping for a better outcome. As for peace, I hope that she found some and that her family likewise will do so. As for her daughter who will know so little about her mother - I feel for her. Being adopted I cannot help but feel compassion for one left without a birth mother. But at this distance I could do nothing even if anyone wanted me to.

[horseideology]

I can see why you would be disturbed. You finding out now - 12 months after the fact that she passed away is disturbing on so many levels.

Not only did you think that she was alive, living her life, and with a possiblity of peaceful discussion that would resolve old wounds, now there is no closure. There is no last chance to ask questions or to ask her face to face to let it go or to forgive.

40 is young. No two ways about it. And I'm assuming you were older then here so again a reminder of our mortality and uncertainity.

The man who gave me away at my wedding (my father long deceased by that time) died in his sleep - his wife waking to find him cold in bed next to her. These things happen and there is no deep meaning except that we have to live our life today and move forward, honoring the past for the wisdom that it gave us but knowing we made mistakes, some of which we deeply regret.

It sounds like you and Kelli met at time where both of you were pulled together but perhaps not for the best reasons. Something that burns hot in the beginning doesn't always last through the trials that life gives us. Is that a fault with ourselves? or is it just a maturing to look back and go, now I know why I acted in this way and I wish I had done better?

((hugs))

[White Horse Pilgrim]

Yes it is disturbing on every one of those levels. To have had a discussion, forgiven and healed wounds would have meant a great deal to me. As it is I procrastinated because, after all, she was younger than me.....but (as she was fond of saying) "to assume makes an ass of you and me". I was afraid that communication would end badly if I was too quick. I was concerned not to upset my wife.

I was 40 and she 34 when we met. Circumstances conspired: rebound from failed (or in my case failing) relationships. She seemed so exciting, energetic and outdoor after my dull, negative, stubborn first wife. Yes, mortality is real too. I'm over half way through life and there is so much that I still want to do.

Kelli saved me from that awful first marriage, gving me the spur to put it behind me. She taught me that a woman does not have to be frigid or perverse (my first wife having been both by turns). She showed me how to ride gently yet firmly with consideration for my horse. She made me aware of ancestors and bonds to ancestral lands. I would have liked to thank her properly for these things which at the time I took for granted.

You're right, this is something to look on as a maturing and a gathering of material that may lead to wisdom. I did the best that I could and, having experienced and learnt, have done better since. I did enter a sound relationship with a suitable partner. I did bring my exile to a close and make a big step back towards a normal stable existance. I don't believe that anything will necessarily work out just because I hope that it will.

Besides, she died of natural causes - I don't know what, presumably cancer or another dread disease. Do I wish upon myself to be a widower, perhaps with young children to care for? I don't wish that upon anyone. Most probably my life has turned out for the best after all.

I do appreciate your kind and helpful words.

[horseideology]

Well just speculation but it could easily have been just an aneurysm....

Also, never put aside the power of the Internet. Her child, years in the future, may contact you and want to know more about her mother.

Anyway, perhaps the upcoming Winter Solstice would be a good time to perhaps plan a ceremony for her - write that letter and to send it off in flame?

[White Horse Pilgrim]

Becky: probably I'll never know. Maybe I don't need to know.

I'd be touched and thrilled if one day her child did contact me.

A suitable ceremony is needed. I really do feel the need for that. I'll think on that.

The whole process of grieving is awkward and there are things that I want to say that aren't appropriate to record here in the public domain. I'll main you if you don't mind - hope your address is the same.

[Horseideology]

This is the better email to reach me out (you should be able to read it through your blog admin area as the user for this comment).

If you have Skype for IM or video chat you can find me on it via the name of my blog Horse Ideology. Best time to reach me is evening my time but you can always email me and tell me you are on and I will open it if I'm home.

[White Horse Pilgrim]

Thank you: I can read the address and have sent a mail.

I will have to see whether I can make Skype work on this computer. I've not used the system before.

[Jess]

that is a really sad post. The idea of leaving a small child terrifies me, and I am really sad that this happened. I can imagine how you must feel, with everything you went through. I hope she at least found happiness before she died. RIP.

[White Horse Pilgrim]

She died way too young, Jess, and leaving behind a small child who will not know her mother. It's all so sad. I hope that somehow she gained something in Transylvania that helped her to be happy later.

[Jen]

I know this is out of left field, but did she shoe horses as well? I know of a Kellie Fremming who passed not to terribly long ago, who did endurance and shoed horses, she left behind a young daughter, and two lovely arabians

[White Horse Pilgrim]

Jen, that does sound just like Kelli. She did shoe horses and rode an Arabian when we were together. I'm so sad at her passing, and I do hope that her daughter is being well looked after and will one day learn more about her mother. Kelli died way too young. Can you tell me any more about what she was doing back in the US and what happened to her?