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September 07, 2009


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Hi Pilgrim... well I thought I would post some thoughts on the story. If they are not what you want to do, that is fine; they are only thoughts.

1.) I have no objections to the gender reversal per se but I don't see how it impacts the story. The differences between men and women aren't really explored, nor the characters' impressions/feelings about it. There is no questioning of the character of what happened or how it effects how others perceives the character's value.

Generally, if a gender reversal happens in a story that becomes what the story pivots about. For example, if your understanding of the male mind, allows you a perspective that opens up a plot device etc...

2.) I'd like to see some sort of knowledge of today's world play out in the historica setting the character is placed within. As a 21st century person, knowledge of war tactics (even just those from history books) can really change how a battle is fought.

From our own country's history, the formation of British troops were easy for Americans to attack and destroy from cover.

Even your modern day knowledge of the geography of where these people live will be greater and of value then their own knowledge. An interesting sidenote I read many years ago was when people finally realized that WEATHER MOVED! That weather happening in one area would soon move off and then impact another area.

The reason why this would be important is because it drives the logic of why you would be brought back in time.

3.) Being given to Geza, I think would be better handled if you were given as a royal hostage/fosterling. This would allow the character to move around within Geza's people and take note of their differences in terms of culture, weapons, and community structure.

It would also give more drama about the character's role.

4.) I simply don't buy into Moon's character or how Geza would deal with her. I think he would be extremely distrustful of her after the murder and would not buy that Moon did not have knowledge of the true confrontation was going to be about.

Moon strikes me more like Lady MacBeth. Pushing others to do what she wants, perhaps regretting the outcome of it, but would have done it all over again for Power.

5.) Would Geza take Moon to wife/bed after she demonstrated she would assist in the murder of her own father? Despite Hare's statement, Hare knows nothing of what Moon discussed with her father's killer prior to the deed.

Overall, I think an interesting story but I definitely would like more nitty gritty details of how they lived, their beds, tents, the horses, the saddles, what they ate and how they ate it etc...

Just a few thoughts :)

Hi Pilgrim - I wrote a little bit of an interlude for your story. No need to accept it or use it. Thought you might like to read it though and I've put it at my blog under the password of your horse. It takes place after Moon has gifted Hawk to Geza, but I did this as a hostage/fosterling idea rather then wife.

I hope you see this as respect to you as your world is very rich and can have a lot of offshoots. It won't offend me if you do not like it.

White Horse Pilgrim

It is kind of you to comment in such detail, and your thoughts are received in the same generous spirit of their giving. So thank you.

I do like your take on my tale - a more complex and humane thread and one that is practical. Sometimes I do write from love of language, and that can distract me from direct realism. Mine has rather been a tale that would go where it will, written in odd moments usually late at night. You have shown me what can be done by pausing a little more and aiming for realism. I agree that there are more plot devices to explore. So perhaps I might take this story and weave it into something more complex, exploring more deeply and thinking how a society that far back in time might have functioned. Perhaps in rather less of a Tolkienesque way than I would have liked! For it is Middle Earth that fascinates me especially.

I'll post a few more comments on your post, which might interest you.

Pilgrim - I have responded to you on that private entry via my blog. :)

Generall, when I write, I try to bring the story to some sort of conclusion. I go back and start adding more depth and layering. It is easier for me to go through and add on then to write perfectly what I wanted the first time - which the later tends to bog me down.

I have thought upon Moon and I want her more punished. She will be forced into a political marriage that is not of her own choosing (heehee my version).

Weasel will be more sympathetic but still tragic. She is doomed to die, yet are her actions any less worthy in an attempt to kill Moon who is her enemy and her participated in a patracide, then Hare?

and what would two warring people really think of a king being killed by their enemy; and Moon's courting of Geza?

Pilgrim - I posted another entry :P I am stuck here with rain and too much imagination.

The only thing I wish you would change on the ending is having your character go back, and then return when Hare arrives to beg for his return. This time he goes back as male, which can allow a story of romance to build between him and Hare.

If it is okay with you, then I will continue my own line of weaving my thoughts into your story... I want Hawk to have time to talk to Moon's father and learn more about their differences before Moon's father is murdered; have Hare seek asylum under Hawk's wing and let Hawk defend her in a court of justice against Moon's accusation that Hare murdered her father AND Istvan; and the righteous punishment of Moon which fulfils her own seer prophecy of gaining power but not quite how she envisioned it happening. HA!

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