Last week Brena recovered from her hoof abscess. She walked around easily, and then came into be fed at a gallop, remaining sound afterwards. Clearly all was well. So I took her out on a ride.
Out of doors it felt like spring is just around the corner, deceptively of course, however the brightness, colour and (relative) warmth were welcome. The ground is drying after a damp winter, and fields have been ploughed. Armadas of towering clouds sail across the blue sky. It was very good to be out.
I felt as if I had my old horse back, enthusiastic and stepping out nicely, curious about her surroundings too. Clearly that abscess had been nagging away for a while, not enough to leave Brena lame until the day we noticed it, but enough to make her a little uncomfortable. I was delighted that Brena was back to normal.
As for me, I will be back at work in a few days, with adjustments put in place. I feel renewed, as if the man who became signed off work last autumn is no longer here. It feels like a mix of reinvention and rebirth, a peculiar sensation that comes but rarely in a lifetime, if at all.
Perhaps the reality of the situation is that I have a new concept of myself. Now I know who I am, with Asperger's. I know much more about what I can do, what I cannot do, and what I might do but won't enjoy. I've spent too many years trying to be what others expect, and now I've realised that was primarily for their convenience. It wasn't to benefit me, other than incidentally.
I'm looking forward to not just trying to fit in. All that conforming was hard work. The rules weren't clear, and the 'social' aspect of work was often exhausting. I've spent enough time pretending and in fact I've become adept at faking neurotypical behaviours at great cost to myself. So, no more faking. I'll be able to achieve more when authentically myself.
Greater clarity will be so very helpful. Those I work for have undertaken to explain what they want. That would be useful for anyone trying to do a job, though it has seemed to be an optional extra in my office. Thankfully the law says that I have a right to this.
I hope that the new authentic me will be accepted and even respected. I hope that, if I am not wasting energy trying to be someone else, that I'll be able to achieve more. And I hope that all this results in greater happiness and sense of fulfilment.
It must feel as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders, I bet Brena isn't the only one with a spring in her step.
Posted by: Shirley Nicholas | February 19, 2018 at 03:08 PM
Thank you, Shirley. A weight has been lifted. It's not all easy as not everyone I work with is civilised, however things are getting better.
Posted by: WHP | March 10, 2018 at 08:48 PM